I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
