you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
