I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
