talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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