I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
