my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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