i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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