Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
