I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
