i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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