as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
