life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
