Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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