....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
