Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
