I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
