This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
