in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
