About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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