I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I want to be your penis for a week.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
