They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
