Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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