you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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