i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
