I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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