Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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