there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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