You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
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