I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
