Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
