Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
