yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
