I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
