sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Two words: blizzard sex
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
