i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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