My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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