I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
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