I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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