fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
