Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
