he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
