I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
