Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
