remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
