why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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