Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
