you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
