come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
