why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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