Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
