I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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