he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
