A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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